Introduction
In recent years, there has been a fascinating debate about “only yes is yes” versus “no means no.” Let me explain. In the realm of women’s rights, we have been clarifying over the decades that we are not anyone’s property. You may recall that it hasn’t been so long since we stopped needing explicit permission from a husband to open a bank account, work, or own property.
The Evolution of Sexual Rights and the “No Means No” Concept
Over the past two decades, advancements in sexual and reproductive rights have been significant, leading to the increasingly common phrase “no means no.” This implies that if a young woman says she doesn’t want kisses, it means she genuinely doesn’t want them. It doesn’t mean she secretly does but is playing hard to get, as toxic masculinity and the “machósfera” might suggest. However, in Spain, around the case of La Manada, a legislative change favored “only yes is yes,” meaning we are not obligated to constantly reject; instead, consent should be explicitly given.
The Complexity of Relearning Consent
Examples:
A colleague would frequently give me gifts, which I knew had no sexual connotation but rather demonstrated respect. Nevertheless, they made me feel uncomfortable. For the first five times, I responded with a standardized “no thanks,” explaining that I didn’t need gifts and appreciated his intentions. However, when the gifts persisted, I felt obligated to reject them again, leading me to reflect on why I felt uncomfortable in a situation I didn’t initiate.
I decided to have a careful conversation with him, considering my position of power. I explained that he wasn’t listening when I said “no” and needed to learn to respect my “no.” Additionally, if he couldn’t take “no” for an answer from his boss, it implied he couldn’t respect “no” from any woman.
Now, Facundo and I engage in meaningful discussions about toxic masculinity and various life aspects. He’s a genuinely good person who doesn’t want to be a “castro” or a “macho,” but was merely taught to be one.
The Importance of Understanding “Yes” in the Context of Consent
Given that February is the month of love, I believe it’s essential to consider how lovely “yes” can be in the context of consent. Experienced individuals in sexual pleasure understand that magical moments don’t happen by chance; they occur when the people involved communicate, agree, and say “no” to what they don’t like while embracing “yes” as the middle ground.
While it may not feel pleasant when someone says “no,” and it can be quite unpleasant, there’s no alternative. As a woman, I’d rather stay where I’m confidently welcomed.
Key Questions and Answers
- What is the debate about? The discussion revolves around “only yes is yes” versus the traditional “no means no” in understanding consent.
- Who is mentioned in the article? A colleague named Facundo is used as an example to illustrate the complexities of consent and communication.
- What is the significance of this debate? The debate highlights the importance of explicit consent and respecting boundaries, especially in professional settings.
- How does the article emphasize the importance of understanding “yes” in consent? The article explains that clear communication, agreement, and respecting “no” are crucial for magical moments in intimate relationships.
