Introduction
Many leaders, especially younger ones, believe that giving everything is synonymous with leading well. They demand little and give generously, offering flexibility, bonuses, constant affection, seeking closeness, belonging, and gratitude. However, when it comes to setting boundaries, the team’s reaction is not always maturity but complaint. This is where the myth is broken: giving without forming does not create culture; it creates dependency.
The Story of Alex
A few years ago, Alex, a young manager I mentored, approached me with a similar problem. We met at a café in Mexico City.
“Everything was going well… until I stopped giving them things. I wanted to be that close leader; listen to them, support them, give them more. Unrequested time off, advanced bonuses, meals wherever they wanted, and even days off just because I had a frown. I did it because I disliked cold leaders; I wanted the team to know that I cared. And for a long time, it worked. They saw me as someone close to them, they thanked me. I felt like I was doing it right.”
I let him continue. He needed to vent.
“Then, the company started having problems, and one day, I said no—I don’t remember why. I said no to last-minute leave; no to the extra bonus because we didn’t meet results; no to the expensive restaurant because we had to watch the budget. And then, everything changed: one stopped talking to me, another started coming late, and one more resigned. The one who had received the most told me he no longer recognized me as a leader, that I was now just ‘another boss’.”
I told him, “It’s okay,” as if speaking to my 20-year-old self:
“Alex, you fell into the trap of wanting to be loved more than respected; the one of giving so much that when you stop, you stop being valuable; the one of confusing leadership with parenting. You went from being the best boss to the worst when you stopped giving them everything, when you finally set boundaries, when you stopped being ‘the good guy’ and became your true role: a leader.”
No, Alex wasn’t wrong at the beginning; empathy is crucial. What failed was that he didn’t balance it with structure, clarity, and demand. In fact, it took me years to accept this, as I also wanted to be the cool boss once; the different one, and ended up disappointed because when I needed my team to respond the most, they didn’t. Then I understood it wasn’t their fault but mine for not teaching them to grow without me.
I reminded him that leading isn’t about being loved; it’s about others growing. When you solve everything, they don’t face challenges; when you give, they expect; and when you’re always there, the day you’re not… they resent you.
I also shared what happened to me: a few left, others pulled back, but a few—the genuinely good ones—stayed, grew, and today are leaders who don’t give away things either; they demand, form, and inspire.
Key Lessons
- The day you stop being a dad and become a leader is the day your team truly needed. Today, more than ever, we need uncomfortable leaders, not those who pamper to keep employees from leaving but those who teach, demand, and accompany.
- Leadership is not about how much you give but how much others grow without needing you.
About the Author
Mario Elsner believes that leadership is not measured by how much you give but by how much others grow without needing you. He accompanies you to the next level.